


Words

by alyxpoe



Series: Always and Forever [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, johnlock - Fandom
Genre: Gen, M/M, Post-Reichenbach, Sherlock Holmes Returns after Reichenbach, Sherlock's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-10 22:58:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyxpoe/pseuds/alyxpoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am sorry. Even I hear the crack in my voice. The break. I can only sit here now and wait for you. You waited for me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words

**Author's Note:**

> I just don't know, folks. This started out to be a companion piece to Your Greatest Weapon. But.I.just.don't.know. I'm not even sure if it works. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

**W** ords surround you, my friend. Ever since you stepped through that metal door and into my life, it has always been words. Your words wrap around me like snakes around the caduceus. There are two of them around that winged staff. There are two of us. Nature is meant to have duality, flip sides of a single coin. Dark and the light. Words and silence.

There is more to you; there are the words you write, the words you say. There are also the words you do not utter in the daylight, the words you only speak at night when you think I cannot hear. Those are important. I can feel your gaze upon me even in the darkness; I can hear your breathing even when you are behind me. I will always push you for more: to be more than you are, to give me _more_.

I had been alone so long, but I did not comprehend what I was missing out on. I gave you a little time and you summed it up in one word, _brilliant_. You said _amazing_. I felt myself smile.

I gave you words later, but they were lies. I wanted nothing but to give you life. I was alone for so long.

You were still there for me. I wanted more. I wanted more of your words, I wanted to hear your voice and yes, even the touch of your hand. I can no longer deny you nor can I stop myself. I see your pain, it is written on your face. Do you remember me? Do you remember who we _were_? Who we can be again? Did you ever give up hope?

Will you ever forgive me?

I have a good word for myself now: _fool_.

I was a fool to not trust in you the way you always trusted me. I listen to your words and I memorize every last one of them. No matter how this ends tonight, I will remember every word you say. The anger in your voice is betrayed by your eyes. Give me your anger, all of it. I want it, every last thing you can throw at me. I deserve it.

I’ll give you the first punch, I will give you that. You deserve it as much as I do. I will stop the second because you would never want to be so out of control. We have _words_ for this.

I pull you to the floor with me. Your face is wet but so is mine. I was so wrong, but I have no regrets. My only regret is not telling you, not now…not when I can see how many words I just don’t have right now. I can’t describe this feeling of moving back into your light. I want to move forward, but I can’t do that without you.

I sound like an idiot, even to myself. I am unconscious of when these words started tumbling from my lips. I cannot stop them. They are like the rain on the windows, pouring out with no warning. You listen with your head on my chest. I weep as I talk to you. I have wanted to talk to you for so long now, wanted just to be _heard_.

 _Do you understand me?_ Have I made myself clear? This is what you are best at, you are best at these damnable _words_. I finally grow hoarse from talking, it has been too long since I had someone who would listen. I had to do it on my own, I had to prove to myself I could do it. I am different now.

_I am._

Something was missing, some part of me I left behind. Not my city, not the inconsequential things. Something bigger.

You lie here with me. Silent.

Did you also run out of words? I pull you up with me, we sit together. You still have not spoken. I am spinning into infinity; I have come back victorious only to lose. This was not part of the game, I say to you; I can promise you that this will never happen again. I have learned so much; many new things to say and do; many, many new _words_.

You sit beside me, our legs touching, my hand on your back; your head in your hands. For once, my mind has run out of words. I have told you everything, I have said it all. I am incapable of turning back the clock, you have only these syllables falling from my lips. Will it ever be enough?

I did not _think_. I did not stop and _think_. Dammit, please say something to me!

I get up. I pace the floor. You do not move. I can hear all the words you are holding back from me. I deserve it. Please, if this is the end, let’s now draw and quarter it. I have done enough to you, if even _this_ is hurting you, you _have_ to tell me!

I turn towards the dark windows, blackness of night matching the darkness inside. You must loathe me. After everything…I deserve it. I make no excuses for my damnable actions, only that I _only_ considered those I _truly_ care for.

You see that, don’t you? You always tried to make me _more_ than what I am. You stood by me when I fell, whether you understood your actions or not. I did not, not at first, but now I do. It was only ever you.

I am so sorry. I drop to the floor and press my back against the wall.

I am so sorry. Those are the only words I can find.

You look up. In your gaze I can read a million thoughts, a million actions. Have you considered all of them?

Do you want me to go? I can leave again; you never have to see me…

You shake your head to the negative. Please give me _words_. Please.

I can’t change the past.

I am sorry. Even I hear the crack in my voice. The break. I can only sit here now and wait for you. You waited for me. You didn’t leave. I can hold onto that for as long as I need it. It will have to be enough. You stand and move towards me. You seem composed somehow. You have made a decision. It does not matter what I want, it will not matter in the end. I am the one who has done wrong by you. Only you can tell me how to do what is right.

You look down on me, your arms crossed over your chest. You are protecting yourself. I understand. I start to move and your hands on my shoulders push me back down. I don’t have much strength left tonight, I am so tired. Maybe you can understand this…can you see that you could actually _hurt_ me tonight? I would let you. I deserve it.

Your eyes bore into me, fixing me in place on that wall; on the lowest place I could be. Your mouth is locked tight, lips a straight line. No words for me, then?

When you finally speak, you tell me of your pain. I have been the cause of it, all of it. I was a fool. I was wrong. I am so sorry. You touch your fingers to my mouth. My jaw snaps shut without my consent. I have given you my words, let me have yours.

You settle down next to me, our shoulders touching. You give me your words. This is our time, I will forever be in your debt and you, you don’t even know. I listen as your pour your pain into me. It will forever become part of me. Let me share some of this burden that I willingly placed onto you.

Finally, we have said all we can. The darkness has changed into a steadily growing light. Your head on my shoulder, nodding off; I rouse you as quietly as I know how. You move and more words tumble out from between your lips. You pull back and look up at me. My arm around you, I pull you closer to me. I can do this now; I am as comfortable with you as I finally am with myself. I had to grow; I had to be certain of my own abilities…

You give me a weak smile and say “hush.” I close my eyes and give you what strength that still remains after this night of _words_. You lean back against me; I can just put my cheek against your crown. Everything that has been spoken tonight, all of these words…we no longer need them. You reassure me in quiet tones that the world is wide open. Again, I feel the tears on my own face. They drop into your hair. You say “hush” again and I can feel your palm on my chest. We will stay this way until you are ready to move. You followed me. I will now follow you.


End file.
